Some Brief Thoughts on Friendship and Hair Dye.

I am currently experiencing a dilemma.

For part of my Media AS coursework, I have to make a storyboard for a movie trailer, and then design film posters based on that storyboard. I decided to use the plot of The Choices We Made (the novel I am currently writing) as the inspiration for the storyboard. And so there are thirty+ drawings of my characters, mostly the protagonist, Katerina. I decided that I would use myself as the model for the posters, because I am a loner who prefers to work on her own, and doesn’t want to use someone else in her pictures. However, I began to find a problem with this. Katerina has long blonde hair, which was evident in the storyboard, and dominated both the mise-en-scene descriptions, and the impact of the lighting. I, however, have conspicuously not-blonde hair. So I’m considering dyeing my hair blonde for the posters, so that there are no continuity errors between the storyboard and the posters.

But dyeing my hair blonde would be a rather drastic thing to do, and I can’t decide whether it’s worth it. (And I’m scared it won’t match my eyebrows, and I’ll look really odd). The whole should-or-shouldn’t-I-dye-my-hair issue has highlighted another issue, and this issue is that I don’t have anyone I can go to for advice.

Every time I ask people for advice on things, the answer is always “don’t focus on it” “it will be okay” “just ignore them” “don’t do anything drastic” “don’t risk it”. Basically, it’s Leave Things As They Are, and Don’t Disturb The Natural Order. I, however, am a drastic person, and I don’t know whether I should be drastic, or whether I should fall into the comfortable trap of Always Being Careful.

To some extent, my preoccupation is purely “Is it worth dyeing my hair blonde?” but underlying that preoccupation is another one, and that is “I’m drowning in still waters”. I don’t have anyone who is also drastic; I don’t have anyone to tell me “Go for it!” “Do the thing!” “Take a chance, take a risk!” There’s no one to tell me to be brave, or to escape my comfort zone, so if I take that leap, I always have to take it alone. I don’t want to be told to stay unchanging forever, and I don’t want to be confined to how I’ve always been. I want to be brave enough to push forward, and take risks, even little ones (like dying my hair a colour which may not suit me). And I want a friend who pushes me to be brave and strong, someone who’s there for me both when I’m melancholy, and when I’m joyous, but also for the in-betweens, and for the indecision, and the worry. I want someone who’s there for everything, because I’m sick of feeling like it’s preferable to be alone.

I feel as though I’ve grown apart from the friends that I do/did have, because we’ve grown in separate directions. The direction that I’ve grown in is a bit diagonal, and not even I can see where it’s going. So maybe I push people away a little, and seek my own company rather than that of others, but it’s because I genuinely feel that I don’t belong anymore, if I ever did. I don’t know who I’m becoming, but I know I don’t want to grow into her alone. But I also know that I have to be careful of surrounding myself with people who are careful. Because careful will hold me back, and that may be more comfortable, but it won’t help me grow, and it won’t help me make decisions.